


i'll keep the door open for you

by damisnap



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Boys In Love, Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen) Deserves Better, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Evan Hansen Has Issues, Extended Metaphor, First Kiss, Hurt and comfort, M/M, Panic Attack, Rejection Sensitivty, Treebros, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-19 12:55:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22277908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damisnap/pseuds/damisnap
Summary: boy, there was a lot to unpack with evan hansen. connor had no idea what evan had meant by that statement but it only seemed to frustrate evan more. connor might not be the best when it comes to empathy or emotional support but he knew he had to try: something, everything, anything for evan.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 4
Kudos: 61





	i'll keep the door open for you

**Author's Note:**

> i resonate very deeply with connor and evan and im pleasantly surprised that i was able to peek my head up above the 10ft deep rivers in my head long enough to write this

connor hovered on all fours over evan, the tips of his hair tickling his cheeks and chin. the familiar feeling of forgetting how to breathe began to seize him. his shoulders were tense, his throat was tense: he was once again the physical embodiment of the word "tense". evan had no other words to describe connor other than etheral, beautiful, angelic. the faintest whiff of the ashes's of connor's incense trickled into evan's nose; evan found his eyes glued to tracing connor's jawline. connor wiggled his eyebrows at evan, a cheeky smirk spread across his thin lips. evan absentmindedly went to trace a thumb over his lips, stopping himself when he realized what he was about to do. 

  
an intimidating set of double doors stood within evan's mind. they were tall and strong; they protected evan. evan stood behind them, shyly peeking out at connor. when connor noticed him, he stumbled backwards behind the safety of the door, accidentally sealing them shut. when he regained his balance, he cracked open the door and eyed connor once more.

  
_what are you doing? connor's good, he's on your side. you trust him, right? oh god, do i even trust him? yes, i do! i think - no, i do! i want this, i know i do; he wouldn't hurt me, would he? god, i'm making a fool out of yourself right now, my palms have never been sweatier, i can't breathe, i can't breathe, shit-!_

  
delicate, chapped lips touched evan's forehead and the volume was turned down. evan's curious blue eyes peeked out from behind the door. he was surprised to see connor right at the doormat, patiently waiting to be let in. evan further shut the door; no! why did he do that? that wasn't what he wanted!

  
connor began to kiss along evan's jawline and behind his ears. connor massages at evan's balled up hands and wrists, thumbs prying into enclosed fingers to try and relinquish their tension. 

  
"is this okay?" connor continued to sprinkle kisses over evan's forehead and temples.

"h-y-y-yeah, it's good," evan further froze. 

he began to fumble with his keys, trying to find the right one to shut the door. he couldn't do this, he couldn't let connor in. his hands shook vigourously as his anxiety rose with each key that was on the keyring; why did he have so many keys? how many doors had he shut? is this really what he wanted? 

"are you sure?"

"i-i, um, i don't-," evan had no idea what was happening or who was even speaking; all he saw was his own panic swallowing him whole. 

"evan, just try to relax," connor's innotation raised ever so slightly and evan's blood drained and boiled, sirens blared in his ears and flashed before his eyes. an intense dose of rejection sensitivity shot through his veins; he became lachrymose in an instant with a steel grip on connor's hands. 

"i c-can't, i'm sorry!" right as connor went to try and keep evan's door open, evan slammed it on connor's hand. that wasn't what he wanted to do - god, he was such an idiot - it was his right hand, too. (evan remembered from a mythology class that the right hand symbolized conscious thought and action, strength and power; what had he done to connor?).

he bellowed out in agony, for connor's smashed hand and for shutting the wrong door (like the idiot that he was). a thousand words foamed out of his kiss-swollen lips to dribble down his chin, down his throat, and underneath his shirt collar.

"evan, hey, it's okay-" 

"i-i-i-i've never done anything like this before! i-i-i've imagined it in my head and how it would go and i-i-it went well, it was nice! but n-now that i'm here - i-i-i don't know what to do or what to say: do i let go? do i hold on? i-i-i have no clue! and then i ask myself why i can't just shut up and think a little less and enjoy this? b-b-but then i r-r-remember that i'm me and then i think: dear evan hansen, you're just going to run away and mess things up and make things hard like you always do, so why would anyone want to be with you? no one-"

a particularly rough sob ravaged evan's body, sending him into a harsh coughing fit.

"no one w-wants to be with you, that's just the way it is. it's how it's always been a-and i-i've made my peace with it, it's expected, it's normal but then you came along and i didn't - i d-don't - want that for myself anymore! and i-i've never had a thought like that before and it's scary, it's new, it's t-t-terrifying and i-i-i'm afraid i'll say the wrong thing or make the wrong move or drive you away. hell, i even smashed your hand!" evan pulled a hand away from connor's grounding grip to cover his eyes. fuck, connor's hands felt so nice tucked into his, and now he pulled away? connor would never want to see him again after this. 

  
boy, there was a lot to unpack with evan hansen. connor had no idea what evan had meant by that statement but it only seemed to frustrate evan more. connor might not be the best when it comes to empathy or emotional support but he knew he had to try: something, everything, **anything** for evan. 

"let's slow down a bit and just breathe, okay? you didn't smash my hand. it's okay, see? can you feel that? it's right here," connor delicately perched himself atop evan's hips, using his free hand to draw squiggles and lines over the back of evan's hand.

"my hands are right here, they haven't gone anywhere," 

  
connor felt evan's hand slowly melt like candle wax in his grip as leaned down and placed a kiss onto evan's trembling lips one at a time: first his bottom lip, then his top lip. evan whimpered and sniffled underneath him as he took in a startled breath (whatever worked to keep him breathing, right?). connor put the motions of his lips and hands into a playlist (named "dear evan hansen, you are my light and my soul and i'll tell you as many times as you need to hear it") and on a continuous loop as he felt evan steadily ease up beneath him. 

"don't bite your lip, dear," connor mumbled as he nugged evan's bottom lip away from his teeth. connor giggled in delight when evan kissed the tip of his nose.

"there you go," connor kissed the tip of evan's nose in return, sprinkling kisses over the back of the hand that covered his eyes.

"can i see your eyes yet?" connor kissed evan's knuckles and evan felt himself fluster with the touch.

"n-no," 

"why not?" connor had a playful pout present in his tone. he softly nipped at the middle knuckle of evan's index finger. he did it again when a wispy chuckle graced his ears. 

"i'm nervous!" 

"come on, it's just me,"

"that's exactly why i'm nervous-!" 

"evan," connor began to peel evan's hand away from his eyes as he wilted over evan once more, resting his forehead against evan's.

"please?" evan felt connor's eyebrows raise inquisitively against his skin; he felt connor's dreary tone prickle in his chest. 

"evan, i-" connor sounded indecisive, reluctant. is this where it ends for the two of them? 

"i-my- shit," 

"my world is...is so much better with you in it, evan..." connor's words were heavy; groundbreaking, even as they came crashing down around evan. 

"m'really not good with the words and all, but, uh, yeah," connor stuttered alongside a feeble, nervous laugh. 

  
connor murphy _stuttered_ alongside a feeble, _nervous laugh_. evan pondered on his own stutter and how maybe, just maybe it wasn't as bad as it always sounded in his head.

  
_probably not...doubtfully._ evan's cheeks were dusted in a vibrant red when he thought about other ways he could soak in connor's stutters. 

  
evan heard connor's knuckles tap against the window of his door. the window was new, not that evan minded. evan gave connor a timid wave; time slowed as he began reaching for the doorknob. he didn't want connor to pass him by. 

_slow down a bit. just breathe._

connor's words resonated within his head, his heart, his soul. he wouldn't let connor pass him by. he opened the door just enough for connor to come through.   
"connor," evan sounded hopeful, courageous. a second of eye-contact, a second of reassurance that connor had heard him had evan craning his neck up and pushing (more like crashing) his lips wholly against connor's. connor instantly pushed back with a rekindled eagerness, letting go of evan's hands only to cup his heated face. evan reached out to begin grappling at connor's hips and up his sides, causing connor to softly keen above him.

connor stood chest-to-chest with evan in the doorway. with a knowing nod, the two of them pushed one of the double doors wide open. it remained open for the rest of the night. 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and/or comments are always appreciated! 
> 
> if you have any constructive criticism or maybe even any additional ideas/scenarios that can go with this, let me know! i feel this is one i want to continue adding to as time passes? this one doesn't feel like a one shot to me and that's exciting honestly


End file.
